Just a page in a book!!

Faith dispassionately scrutinized the blood twisting downwards on her thigh alike a scientist observing a routine experiment and her hand flexed unconsciously on the gilt edged handle of the dagger. Her mother would be aghast if she was ill fated enough to be caught in the act. As it is, her sisters thought that the word insane should have her picture against it in the dictionary but cruel labels like nutty, batty, crazy, and wacky had long stopped injuring her feelings. For a moment her hypnotic concentration was scattered from the path of the blood and she speculated on when the snide remarks had stopped spoiling her day. Perhaps, when he had walked into the threshold of her bedroom in the middle of the night for the first time. A storm had violently raged that night but no one had witnessed, for it had wrecked havoc only on the terrain of her mind and body. She pinched her eyes shut to stop the brutal film running in her mind and struggled to center herself by focusing on the blood. Her breathing was shallow and she was gasping for air. In a frantic attempt she wielded her dagger like a sword and it sliced softly through her velvety skin. A moan escaped her parted lips, agony and ecstasy blended into a heady rush and her lashes fluttered as satisfaction coursed through her entire being…mind, body and soul.

She would have gladly lived through an eternity suspended in that addictive state of pain and pleasure but reality rushed in, bursting her bubble. Someone was knocking on her door. She hastily wiped the blood away, cleaned her dagger and flushed the tissue. She quickly replaced the dagger in its secret place. Only a dumb idiot begging to be trapped will leave such incriminating evidence behind. A wry smile touched her lips as a thought crossed her mind, “insane she may be, stupid she was most definitely not.” She closed the door of the bathroom, walked across the room and with a deep breath opened the door of her bedroom. Her mother glared at her, “why was the damn room locked. How many times do I have to tell you that you are not supposed to bolt your door?” Faith belligerently stared back for a few seconds, and then said, “I wasn’t doing drugs you know, I just wanted some privacy.”

“Faith, I do not like this attitude of yours, why can’t you be normal like your sisters.” At her mother’s absolute horror, Faith started laughing hysterically. Her mother warily stepped back and stared at her youngest daughter with her jaw dropped open. “Normal she says, normal!!! How can I be normal when you never let me forget that I was the result of your forgetting to take the pill one night? How can I be normal when I have sisters whose idea of fun is to be vindictive to me? And last but definitely not the least, how can I be normal when he visits me in the night when you are sleeping the sleep of the ignorant?” Such heart rending questions were on the young girl’s lips but Faith didn’t voice them. What would be the use except to invite more heartache? She already was getting more than her fair share.

Faith turned and went to sit by her desk, and busied herself with her studies. She let out a deep sigh as her mother went away. She fervently prayed that she would be left alone throughout the evening. Apart from the sight of her own blood, the thing that calmed her best were books. The next time Faith came out of her reverie she was pleasantly surprised that seconds had given birth to minutes and minutes to hours. Maybe this was going to be her lucky day, maybe he won’t come to her tonight. And for the first time in days the veil of sadness lifted from her eyes and hope flared in her heart. Deciding not to push her luck, she immediately went to the dining room when her mother called for dinner. Usually, these times with her family were akin to awaiting the verdict from a jury. But she determined not to let it dishearten her.

The hope in her heart was mercilessly murdered when she saw the blatant hunger in his eyes. As a thousand times before, she mutely wondered why no one else ever could spot the lust. How her mother was so oblivious that her new husband was raping her daughter? Was she really so naïve or was she secretly relieved that he left her marital bed? Would it have been different if her father had been alive or her mother had not married such a monster? The food stuck in her throat as terror edged inch by inch into her soul. Her sisters snickered at her but she was blind and deaf to their malicious comments. They dwarfed before the catastrophe looming on the horizon. She all but sprinted from the room when the dinner was over.

At midnight when he stealthily walked into her room and fastened the lock behind him, she was lying curled up like a fetus holding her breath. She was so frightened; she could scarcely breathe let alone move. He sat on the bed beside her and caressed her legs in a manner that mocked the pure act of making love. Faith whimpered and tried to make herself as small as possible. He sweetly murmured to her, “so smooth, just like silk.” She froze, her mind unable to process the horror. Then suddenly, with herculean effort she tried to struggle vehemently like a cornered animal. But he subdued her easily for physically she was David to his Goliath. His weight crushed her to the mattress and a hand clamped over her mouth, while she kept sobbing inconsolably. He was grunting like an animal and whispering guttural words in her ear. After a few unbearable moments, her mind blanked and scampered to seek refuge in a faraway place. When he was gratified, he kissed her forehead and this act beyond anything repelled her. Before biding her goodnight he said,” oh Faith, you are so perfect, not a mark or blemish on your skin. Till next time baby.” and walked away without a backward glance to the devastation he had left behind.

“Perfect”, she thought as she lay bruised and bleeding. How heartless and sadistic life can be? A young heartbroken girl desolately yearned for the scars on her soul to heal. Ironically, each time she smeared a little hope on her lacerations to heal, they were cruelly ripped open again and yet the body she slashed again and again absolutely refused to scar no matter how many times she brandished the dagger on it. She swiped the back of her hand across her face and abruptly ceased to cry. Tears had never rescued her from her plight.

Faith, a sixteen year old girl who was forced to become a woman way before her time stared out her window with haunting eyes as dawn creeped in and slowly the dark was devoured by the light. She was Faith, who had lost her faith in humanity when her step father had unleashed the animal in him on her. But if anything it was measure of her strength because she had long decided that he could break every bone in her body and drain each drop of her blood but he would never be able to conquer her spirit. And one day she will truly be David to his Goliath.

P.S : The reality of child sexual abuse exists across cultures and countries. But often people around the abusers and victims refuse to acknowledge it. Sadly, adults in position of trust and authority often are the worst culprits. In such circumstances the victims do not come forward for fear of recriminations. Also, a high number of such victims become self mutilators. It is every adult’s duty to ensure that children around them are safe and protected. Everyone deserves a childhood.